F@mOu$ F@!rY t@l3$ & HOW th3Y REALLY 3nD3D

Happy Endings Blow

The other day I saw a commercial on TV. It had some guy dressed up like Ebenezer Scrooge in it (one of my all time favorite story-book characters). He was being grumpy and bitter (carrying out business as usual), and all was good. Then suddenly that damned bee appeared. That little bastard kept flying around and driving Scrooge up the wall with an offer of honey-nut bullshit. Finally the bee broke down Scrooge's spirit, and he gave in. The commercial ended with some kids singing about honey-nut Cheerios, and Scrooge was smiling and playing grab ass with the bee. It made me sick. I was outraged at what they had done; they took a mean old bastard like Scrooge, and turned him into a warm hearted, flower picking momma's boy. Bah! These stories were never meant to have happy endings. They were meant to give kids nightmares and bad dreams. So in this spirit, I've decided to expose the real endings to some popular children's stories.

Hansel and Gretel: Busted.

The story of Hansel and Gretel is about two dirty little children that run around and piss off their hard working parents. They're always laughing and screaming without a care in the world because they're selfish little bastards that get everything they want. One day the little bastards run off into the woods in search of someone to throw rocks at. They end up finding a house made out of candy and they start to eat it. Inside the house was a nice old lady that eats children. She invited Hansel and Gretel into her house, but was assaulted and thrown into the oven! She was pissed off and mad as hell. So she busted down the oven door, and put the beat down on Hansel and Gretel. When the two bastards came to, they found themselves tied up and being roasted. The end. The moral of the story is that Hansel and Gretel are stupid little shits, and they deserve to be eaten.

Little Red Riding Hood: A Balanced Meal.

Little Red Riding Hood is a story about a dumbass little girl that doesn't know anything. One day she decided to take some food to her sick grandmother. Little did she know that a clever wolf had eaten her grandmother weeks ago, and only the remnants of her rotting corpse remained. After the wolf ate her grandmother, he went through all her stuff and tried on her clothing. Just then, the dumbass showed up and started interrogating the wolf. She kept asking him stupid questions about why his teeth and eyes were so large, until finally the wolf snapped and ate her. It turned out that little red riding hood was so stupid that she didn't even know how to be eaten, and the wolf got indigestion. The end. The moral of the story is that if you ask too many dumbass questions, you will be eaten. Trust me, I know.

***300***

300 is a 2007 film adaptation of the graphic novel 300 by Frank Miller, itself a fictionalized account of the Battle of Thermopylae in 480 BC. The film is directed by Zack Snyder with Frank Miller attached as an executive producer and consultant, and was shot mostly with bluescreen to duplicate the imagery of the original comic book.

Spartan King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) and 300 Spartans fight to the last man against Persian King Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro) and his army of more than one million soldiers. The sacrifice of the Spartans inspires all of Greece to unite against the Persian invaders. In Sparta, Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey) attempts to rally support for her husband. The story is framed by a voice-over narrative by the Spartan soldier Dilios (David Wenham).

300 The film broke box office records, although critics were divided over its look and style. Some acclaimed it as an original achievement, while others accused it of favoring visuals over characterization. Some controversy arose over its depiction of the ancient Persian and Greek civilizations.

THE PLOT

A group of Persian messengers arrive at Sparta, demanding submission to King Xerxes. Outraged and offended, Spartan King Leonidas kicks the messengers into a pit and resolves to fight the Persians. He visits the Oracle, explaining his plan and offering a customary payment in gold. Τhe Ephors, who have been bribed by Xerxes, interpret the Oracle's message to mean that Sparta should not go to war, so as to not interrupt the sacred Carneian festival.

Nevertheless, Leonidas gathers 300 of his best soldiers to fight the Persians. As they march north, they are joined by a group of Arcadians and other Greeks. Arriving at the narrow cliffs of Thermopylae (or "Hot Gates"), in sight of the Persian army, they build a wall to halt the Persians' advance. Ephialtes, a hunchbacked Spartan whose parents had left the city to save him from customary infanticide, approaches Leonidas, requesting to redeem his father's name in battle, and warning him about a secret goat path that the Persians could use to surround them. Leonidas turns the man away because of his inability to properly hold a shield.

Using the phalanx formation and hand to hand combat, the Spartans fight off numerous waves of Persian attackers, including an elite group of Persian soldiers called the Immortals. The 300 defend their position for a number of days and suffer few losses. Xerxes, impressed, approaches Leonidas directly and promises him wealth and power in exchange for his surrender. The Spartan king declines, saying that he will instead make the "God King" bleed. Shortly thereafter, an embittered Ephialtes reveals the goat path to Xerxes, and is promised a lucrative and powerful position in the Persian Empire.

Back in Sparta, Queen Gorgo, upon the advice of a councilman, attempts to enlist the influential Theron to help her persuade the Spartan council to send reinforcements to Leonidas. When invited into the palace, Theron agrees to help, but demands that Gorgo sleep with him. Gorgo reluctantly assents. Meanwhile, the Greeks realize that Ephialtes has betrayed them, and the Arcadians decide to retreat. Leonidas asks Dilios to use his rhetorical gifts to tell the story of the 300 to the Spartan people, and to ensure that they be remembered. Dilios reluctantly leaves with the Arcadians.

Queen Gorgo appears in front of the council, but is not supported by Theron, who furthermore accuses her of adultery. The Queen, enraged at this betrayal, snatches a sword from a nearby soldier and kills Theron. Persian coins fall from Theron's purse, and the Council denounces him as a traitor and unites against Persia. At Thermopylae, the 300 are surrounded by the Persian troops. Xerxes' spokesman demands their surrender, saying that Leonidas may keep his title as King of Sparta and become warlord of all Greece, answering only to Xerxes. In defiance, Leonidas throws his spear at Xerxes, and wounds him on the cheek, thus delivering on his promise to make the "God King" bleed. Xerxes signals for his archers to fire. The remaining Spartans are killed in the hail of arrows, with Leonidas dying last. Dilios eventually returns to Sparta and inspires the council with the bravery of the 300. Finishing the tale of the 300 a year later on a new battlefield, the narrator, now identified as Dilios, concludes that the Persian army, who defeated a mere 300 Spartans only with difficulty, must now be terrified to face 10,000 Spartans and 30,000 Greeks from the other city-states. The roused Greek host heads off to fight the Persian army, beginning the Battle of Plataea.

King Xerxes - The Persian Bastard . Hehe!!!

w3n @l!v3 'n' D3@D

Kicking ass: the perfect job.

I was thinking about possible careers the other day, when I finally thought of the perfect job: kicking ass. Every day I'd get up, eat beef jerky, grab my ass-kicking gear and go down town to kick some ass. I'd go to different places every day, like retirement homes on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, animal rights conventions/feminist meetings on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, and finally, I'd go to orphanages on Sundays and holidays, unless there are any mimes in town (mimes always get priority beatings).

Kicking ass is not for everyone. Specifically, commies, hicks, bleeding heart liberals, and hippies can not become ass kicking administrators. Any of them that say otherwise should be shot. While kicking ass is simple in theory, its execution is complex, requiring an ineptness towards sensitivity, sarcasm and contempt for all life and happiness in general.

Nothing to do while you're dead? Why not become an evil spirit that haunts children?

I was dwelling on how much I hate people the other day, when I decided what I'd like to become after I die: an evil spirit that haunts children! Here are some of the things you could do as an evil spirit:

Give little kids nightmares

Trick kids into thinking there are monsters under their beds, then make the monsters disappear when their parents inspect

You could make ghosts appear when they're alone so nobody believes them

You could put voices in their heads so they grow confused and out of touch with reality

There's more you can do, but why risk doing anything that might take time away from haunting children?

Laziness is the key to success. Here are the rules of being lazy:

1. Never do anything. If you wait around long enough, someone else will do it.

2. Don't move. Moving is overrated.

3. Never run. Running is the worst thing you can do. I had to run once.. big mistake.

4. If something is not in your reach, you don't need it. Before you get up to get something across the room next time, think. Do you really want to get up and walk all the way there and all the way back to get it? Yeah, I know. I felt stupid for moving all those times.

5. Don't have an opinion. Opinions are thoughts, and thoughts are work.

6. Don't work. Working is for suckers. Be a CEO if you can, they never do anything.

7. If you have to move, fuss about it. Make it well known that you're pissed off because you have to move. Sigh a lot. Drag your feet and arch your back at 60 degrees (bad posture helps you to conform to the shapes of couches when you sit down, and it makes you look tired).

8. Sleep as much as you can. Contrary to common sense and popular belief, sleeping is very productive.

9. Don't talk. Talking requires the movement of your jaw.. way too much work.

10. If you have to work, do a half-assed job at it. Example: If you have to rake leaves, push them out into the road or into your neighbor's yard. If you have a riding lawn mower, run over them a few times until the pieces are small enough to hide in between blades of grass.

I have more rules, but this is taking more effort than I thought. I'll update this later.. if I'm not too tired.

Pr@nK$t3r

Jokes to play on people in the hospital!

Know someone in the hospital? Do they seem low in spirit and depressed? Why not try some of these pranks to cheer them up?!

Go up to someone on life support and distract them. Talk about anything: business, sports, any such useless subject matter will do. Then while they're not paying attention, unplug their life support unit! Twirl the cord in your hand with a nonchalant look on your face. Say "Oh.. I'm sorry, do you need this? I'm not going to plug it back in until you smile." Then plug it back in and say "Just kidding, HAHAH" Unplug it again and repeat. They'll die of laughter.

If you're in a hospital emergency room and you see a family that's distressed over the condition of someone they brought with them, try this prank to cheer them up! First, find a white doctor's jacket and a clipboard if you can. Put the jacket on and make a serious expression on your face. Then go up to the family in the emergency room and say "I'm sorry I have to tell you this, but it doesn't look like he's going to make it.." Wait a few minutes to let it to sink in (grab a bite to eat, watch some TV). Then, if you remember, go up to the family and say "Just kidding! I'm not a doctor. HAHAH" Everyone will get a good laugh.

How about some mental ward mayhem?! Try this to cheer up your insane buddies: First, stop by a gag store and buy some fake blood. Then go to see your friend in the mental ward (bring a knife). While you're talking to your friend, cover the knife in blood and drop it on the ground. Put some blood on your hand and run out into the hallway screaming "AHHH.. he slashed me!" They'll increase his supervision and won't allow him to see visitors anymore. Nobody will believe him when he says he didn't do it because he's crazy, and you two can have a good laugh together if he gets out.

Fun with the dead: make a recording of some moans and thumping, or someone saying "HELP! I'm still alive!", then put the recorder in the morgue department. Leave it on play and walk away. The hospital staff will have fun for hours tracing where the sound is coming from, and they'll all get a good laugh when they finally find the recorder.

Is someone you know anorexic? A good joke would be to tell them that they're fat. They'll laugh because anorexic people aren't fat. HAHAH

How about some baby swapping? Always a good joke to play is swapping babies in then nursery room. When the parents find out 20 years down the line, they'll all laugh.

Let me know if you try any of these pranks.

zOmb!3$

Zombies are the worst.

I was thinking about zombies the other day, and about how much I hate them. They're always walking slow, moaning, and eating me. Well, at least they try to eat me (I don't let them). The problem with them is that they just don't know when to quit. You can shoot a hole through their chest, and blow their legs off, but they still keep coming at you. The best thing to do is to run screaming. But they'll follow you. So don't run screaming unless you're leading them into a trap.

Burning zombies isn't a good idea, as they won't die very easily and the smell is pretty bad. I suggest you dig a huge pit (I call mine the Zombie pit of hell) and lead them into a room with one entrance and one exit. After the zombies go into the room, lock the door behind them and start compacting the walls so they have no choice but to fall into the pit.

Once the zombies are in there, it's safe to go into the room to tease the zombies (they hate it when you pour batery acid on them). After you get bored teasing them, tell them that you'll let them out in half an hour. Turn off the lights and forget about them. If your friends come over, tell them that there's a surprise in the room for them. As soon as they go in, turn on the lights and start the compactor walls. Laugh. Then, stop the walls just before they fall in and say "just kidding". Then turn the walls back on for a few seconds just in case they think you really were kidding. Everyone will get a good laugh.

Y Do Girls go for IDIOTS...???

Lie's Girls have told me:-

"I didn't do anything over the weekend.."

Lie:-: This translates into "I got drunk and had lots of sex that I regret having now that I'm sober, but I'd rather not sound like a slut, so I'll give you the false impression that I live a modest life sitting at home and reading over my weekends, so you'll have to find out what I really did from people talking behind my back." This is probably closer to the truth than most people think. And don't mail me some politically correct rant saying "well not every girl is like that blah blah blah..." I know that not every girl is like that. Nobody cares.


"I've only kissed one guy..."

Lie:-: No girl has only kissed one guy. Any girl that says she has kissed only one guy is either too young to have kissed more, or a damned liar.


"I think you're cute!"

Lie:-: No girl thinks I'm cute. I'm repulsive. I'm hideous.


"Looks don't matter to me.."

Lie:-: Looks don't matter, MY ASS. Looks matter. Any girl that says "looks don't matter" is in denial. Proof? The good looking jerks that treat women like shit always get the women.


"I want to find a guy that's sensitive.."

Lie:-: This one's a whopper. Girls don't want sensitive guys, nay, when it comes down to it all they really want is sex. Most of them are no better than the assholes they sleep with. Sure.. they want sensitivity.. ass slapping, hair pulling sensitivity. What girl in their right mind would willingly sleep with a total jerk? Are all these girls being raped? Or are they really just horny? They want sensitivity.. or at least, that's what they'll have you believing, with their warm smiles and good looks. Just once, I'd like to meet a good looking girl that's not in denial, and that won't put on an integrity show, and that will just come out and admit that she's been pounded more times than any nail in the floor she stands on, like the whore that she is. At least then I'd respect her for being honest. It's so transparent to me what's going on. They fritter their lives away having sex every day of the week, and then go to church on sunday and think they're clean again. They're only fooling themselves. It's probably the only way they can live with their conscience (or lack thereof).


"I just broke up with my boyfriend, so I'm not going to date for a while"

Lie:-: I hear this one a lot. They say it to sound like they're not whores going from one guy immediately to the next, but come the first good looking jerk with slick hair and a nice car, and she'll be in bed with him faster than she can contract his STDs.


"I like to have fun.."

Lie:-: Some girls I've talked to have been so shallow, that when asked what they like to do, she'll simply say "I like to have fun.." No shit? I thought you liked being bored like the rest of us. What the hell kind of answer is "I like to have fun.." Who doesn't like to have fun? Upon further probing for what they like to do, they'll say "well.. uhhh.. I like to swim, and go hiking, and uhh.. I like to just hang out with friends.. uhhh.. I like to see movies.. uhhh..." Okay, she likes to see movies. Potential for a conversation. So, I'll ask them what movies they like, and with out fail, they always say "oh.. uhh... I like all movies.." No, dipshit, you don't like all movies. Nobody does. What movies do you like? "uhh.. I like romantic movies mostly.." (I don't really say dipshit.. I'm usually very mannered around women.. not that it matters, since they only want a rich guy to screw). My fault on that one, I should have known. Upon further interrogating (at least it seems like interrogation, since they have nothing to say about anything that matters outside of their microcosm of existence), they tell me that they like music, "all kinds" of music, of course. This is all torture to me. Why the hell should I waste my time with someone so damn boring?